Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike meanders along
Wed Jun 01, 2005 at 10:15:48 am EDT
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CSFB!/Epitome Part Four: obligatory Visionary reference included
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CSFB!/Epitome: Decompressed, Continues



Previously: a long time ago, before the author knew that HH was going to be writing an Untold Tale set at a science convention and Visionary was actually going to be attending a electronic trade show (which said author hopes will be an inspiration for a Vizh story), he came up with a plot which took the principal characters to a similar venue. So now CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Mr. Epitome, April Alice Apple, and Hallie are stuck waiting at the convention until their writer works up enough gumption to continue, even though by doing so he risks having the story compared to what HH has done or what Visionary could do if he wanted, because really, I think the fans would be much happier seeing the Fake Man and his cast stumbling around Nerd Central being written by somebody who’s actually been to one of these things. I know I would.

Oh, and there are some villains in the story too, who hope to sell a piece of mysterious technology to the highest bidder.



“Monitor Duty?” Joshua Clement said the two words as if he had no understanding of their meaning.

Jay Boaz nodded, “Yes. When Hallie is off site, it is mandatory that one member of the Lair Legion be present to take all incoming calls.”

The newest member of the aforementioned Lair Legion still had his doubts, and expressed them, “Isn’t Hallie linked to the Mansion’s communications system 24/7?”

“Yes,” Hatman flipped several switches along the banks of computer and television screens, “But this is a necessary precaution.”

“Right. What will you be doing while I’m stuck here?”

“I have a briefing with Police Commissioner Graham, a report to write that circulates to various state and federal security agencies, and a training session with Trickshot and Dancer.”

“You should pencil in some time to get laid. Really,” De Brown Streak smirked.

“Your suggestion is noted,” Jay replied dutifully, before pulling back the chair DBS would be confined to for the duration of his task.

The Sepia Speedster sank into the chair a momentarily defeated man. There was some consolation in fact that by the time Hatman left Clement had thought up 1327 ways of getting back at him. It only took him 2.8 seconds to zoom around the mansion and implement eleven of the less malicious ones.

Taking some time to pause and reflect wasn’t a bad idea, Josh decided.

*****


It didn’t take Dominic long to find something that would take his mind off his argument with Hallie.

For this, he had his enhanced olfactory system to thank, and the easily recognizable odor of Christopher Dinatello.

Dinatello, the electrical manipulating metacriminal also known as Googol Volt, was on the premises. The smell of ozone and burnt flesh could be detected on the convention floor. Epitome alternated between his telescopic and X-ray vision to make visual confirmation. He finally found ‘Volt in one of the center’s meeting rooms two levels above the main concourse.

The fugitive was not alone. He had apparently interrupted a deal among other criminals, some of whom Dominic recognized. Palgrave was hard to miss, with his suit of cards and vacant mien. It did take the Paragon of Power a moment to identify the man who was, from an intelligence gathering standpoint, the biggest catch in the room.

Doctor Mitch Carlin had worked as a scientist for a veritable Who’s Who of metacriminals and terrorist organizations, most recently BALD. According to OPS, the theoretical physicist was currently being sought by the weapons design group for absconding with some of their technology. Carlin could tell authorities valuable information about his ex-employees.

The Exemplary Man ran back to his car and removed his uniform from its trunk.

As he changed Dominic considered the odds. Googol Volt was dangerous in a prolonged battle, but if he could be subdued quickly there was minimal risk. The other suspects on hand were not a threat. In fact, Epitome realized, the operation should be so simple he could afford outside involvement. He withdrew a communicator from his belt pouch and made a transmission, couching his language in case others were listening in.

“Hallie, this is Dominic. Could you please inform our guest that he is needed at the building’s freight elevator?” he gave directions.

“Sure,” the AI replied to one man before speaking with the other, “Epitome needs you. It sounds official.”

CrazySugarFreakBoy! rolled his eyes, “When is it not with that guy?”

*****


It was a short, shrill siren that awoke De Brown Streak from his nap. When he opened both of his eyes he noticed one of the monitors that had up until now been blank was now flashing “Hailing Frequency Detected.” Josh rummaged through the pile of completed crossword puzzle books at his feet until he found the Lair Legion Monitor Duty Operations Manual. The 1500 page tome informed him what to do next. He pressed the screen and said, “This is De Brown Streak, idol of millions. How can I direct your call?”

The image of a large, hirsute alien gave a gruff reply, “Take me to your dimension’s leader, grubworm, so he may be informed that his services are no longer required. Bombaast will be assuming command of this paltry plane of purported existence!”

Joshua Clement stared in wonder at Bombaast. The would-be world conqueror was fascinatingly grotesque: a fusion of Rubeus Hagrid and an angry Pekingese. Snapping out of his reverie, the Sepia Speedster thumbed his Legion communicard to activation:

“Hey, Hatman: it’s for you.”

*****


CrazySugarFreakBoy! waited until Mr. Epitome finished his tactical summary before addressing what truly concerned him, “What are you up to, Clancy?”

“This again?!?!”

“Well, yeah,” the wiry Legionnaire grinned, “Obviously you’ve got some scam going. Trying to hoodwink real superheroes is your raison de etre. Your niche.

The Exemplary Man’s face turned a dangerous shade of purple, “Are you going to assist me, or not?”

“Oh, sure. Lead the way,” CSFB! gestured to the stairwell.

“I am just curious as to why you set this whole thing up,” Dream noted as Epitome began his ascent.

Dominic’s shoulders slumped. He realized for the mission to be free of potential distractions he would have to at least try and address the issues being raised.

“I did not plan any of this.”

“So why did you want me and April to come to the expo?” CSFB! countered.

“I didn’t want you to come to the expo!”

“OK, then why did you want Hallie here?”
Dominic could feel the tendons on the back of his neck tighten, “She invited me! And before you ask me ‘why would she do that?’, maybe it was because she enjoyed the pleasure of my company.”

The Wired Wonder seemed unconvinced, “Why?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps she gets bored interacting with moral reprobates and dithering imbeciles?” the Man of Might hissed.

Happy to see he was finally getting through to the man, CSFB! kept it up, “OK, assuming I’m the moral reprobate, and Lisa and Tricky and DBS too I suppose; just who exactly on the world’s finest super team are you calling a dithering imbecile?”

“Go away.”

“Huh?”

Dominic turned and continued climbing, “Just- go. I’ll handle this.”

“Aw, c’mon!” the Wired Wonder bounded over Mr. Epitome and took the lead, “I’ll help. This’ll be fun now that we’ve cleared the air.”

Dominic Clancy hesitated briefly before following. He remembered a time when he seemed much smarter than this, and wondered where he had gone wrong.

*****



Next: We get to see some actual superheroing!CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Mr. Epitome versus Googol Volt! Bombaast, the Living Outburst, threatens the Parodyverse! And really, finally, honestly, truly, we learn the title of this mess! Out this week!






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